Is it wrong, I wonder, to want to kill someone? Not out of necessity, not out of malevolence, but because you know that you would get a kick out of it? Hrm...

I have only felt the--temptation? urge?-- to kill someone once. Well, more than once, but only once that I can remember. I don't know what stopped me from wrapping my hands around that fat bitch's neck and then banging her head into a sharp object until either a) she broke her neck, or b) she choked to death from her trachea being crushed beneath my hands. Maybe it was because she wasn't in the room at the time.

What shocked me the most when I realized just what THAT particular urge was telling me to do, was that I just accepted it. I didn't try to deny it, I didn't try to pretend that I was "normal" and didn't have almost uncontrollable urges to kill my brother's girlfriend. I simply knew that it belonged within me, and that if I wanted to function in society, killing people wasn't the way to do it, and the urge would have to be controlled.

But it would be SOOO easy some times, just to do it, to take that extra step over the boundary between "normal" behavior and that of a psychopath. It would be so easy to pull that trigger and "accidentally" aim it at that person over there. It would be so easy to push that person over the balcony and watch them fall down and down until they splat all over the ground below you. It would be so easy to pick up that knife and slip it into the stomach of the kitchen helper. It would be so easy to hunt and stalk that person until they lived in pure terror at every moment, while you lived on adrenalin and endorphins and licked you lips in anticipation of the coming kill. It would be so easy...

...To give into the power you hold when you wield something dangerous.

Since my grade twelve English teacher made me analyze the movie Heat and the activities of Waingro and other characters, I have been aware of the more subtle sides of human behavior. I realized that Waingro wasn't doing this because he had to, or to alleviate pain or suffering, but because he got a kick out of it. He LIKED it. Perhaps too much. Soon thereafter I realized that if I was sufficiently angry enough than I would like it too. Then I realized, a year later, that I really would enjoy to choke the life out of someone. A specific someone.

To explain my reasoning for my hatred towards my brother's ex girlfriend would take too long, and also, while it seems perfectly justified in my own head, when I say it out loud, the reasoning sounds childish and pointless. Perhaps there is a lesson to be learned in all that, perhaps not.

At any rate, around the same time I analyzed Heat, I read the book of Mary Reilly, the one they based the movie off. I came across an interesting quote. "Good is what always needs trying, as it don't seem to come natural, but havoc comes of its own accord". I realized that it was because of the unacknowledged predatorial instincts of human beings that we must force ourselves to do good while evil and havoc just show up whenever they damn well feel like it. Bloody bastards.

Mary Reilly isn't the only book in which I have come across interesting quotes of that nature. In other books, mostly by Terry Pratchett, Robert A. Heinlein, Tad Williams and Robert Jordan, there have been a multitude of passages that are as relevant and real as they were when they were written. Passages such as "there are no excesses of the most crazed psychopath that can't be duplicated by a normal family man who comes in with a job to do" in Pratchett's "Small Gods".

I feel that one explains what I've been trying to say remarkably well, don't you?

I know that I could probably duplicate those "excesses of the most crazed psychopath", but I know that I would feel an almost overwhelming guilt immediately afterwards. At least until I got over it. Another strange contradiction is that I can write stories about the slow torturous death of human beings, primarily innocent ones, but I cannot contemplate the very idea of killing an animal, or torturing it. I wonder why that is almost daily. The answer to why I live my life in this dichotomous manner is currently beyond my grasp. To not want to hurt nature, but to dream of slowly slaughtering a human being startles me. Do not get me wrong; it does not scare me. I told you before that I have accepted it. I know that there are others out there who have accepted it too. If you're still having trouble, think of it this way: You are not complete without your darker side. Know your dark side and know yourself. Split the two, and you become more dangerous than you could possibly imagine.

As always, there are small exceptions to the rule of which I have put down. My brother, for example, says that he has no animal instincts at all.

I, not living in my brother's head, have no real idea as to whether or not Lincoln has either suppressed the instincts, or just simply doesn't have them. This, however, is only true for a small portion of the population. At least, I think it's true for a small portion of the population. It would make sense that way, and would explain much about the behavior of human beings towards their neighbours.

Explanations, perhaps, that no one wants to hear.

I wrote a story called Huntess Awaken. Athena says that it's "weird". I think it scared the holy be-jesus out of her. Maybe I'll post it sometime, when I finish it. Perhaps I'll publish it. Either way, it was, in some ways, the inspiration for this article. You should probably know that I wrote most of it while listening to the Sleepy Hollow soundtrack. Something about Danny Elfman's darker music puts me in a hunterish mood. This article, on the flip side, is in many ways the inspiration for the story. It is strange, the power of words; some have the ability to create within you the most sublime joy, while others create a terror in the soul that is unduplicated by anything else experienced. Words go a long way to explain some of the reasons as to why I am what I am. It was while writing an essay that I realized that humans are predators. Who knows? Perhaps one day I will act on the urges within me and kill someone. Then again, perhaps not.

Guilt is such a pain in the ass.