I said I wouldn't try, I said I wouldn't accept you trying. But Alycia knows me better than that and since your email address that I have doesn't exist anymore, and you actually visited this site, I'm placing it here instead. It's public, and I don't like that, but I doubt I could say these things to you straight up over the phone, let alone in person. Typically PoCers do an anonymous post, but this is direct and not an attempt at slander. If it's deemed not appropriate by the Lord of the PileOfCrap, then he can take it down at his whim. Nesan, after you read this, call me.

Dear Nesan,

This is blunt and hard to say. I know the only way to change the way I see things is by communicating. To me, that means telling you what actions are the cause these emotions, what emotions I feel, and why I see I feel them. In this letter I ask that you think about these three things exactly as I have written them, but finish reading the letter. Then, ask yourself what it is about this letter that made you feel the way you feel, how you feel, and why -- apply how I've written this to yourself in the moment. Then we can talk and try to figure things out.

Over the last few years as I have done things for you, canceled plans to see you, picked you up from the train station, bought you a few small things like booze, taken you places like shopping, helped your grandma move back to Canada, and most recently taken you to Windsor, I feel used, hurt, uncared for and in turn this makes me feel our friendship is far more empty than it has ever been. I've said what things make me feel what, and now here's why.

It is not right for me to say that you haven't done anything for me, but in comparison I feel there is a significant lack of reciprocation. I have a great difficulty in listing things you've done for me. Perhaps that is because I don't ask for much from anyone.

I get angry at myself because I see the number of things I sacrifice for you and their importance in my life. I look at the Thursday I took off to drive you to Windsor. I felt I was the one doing you a big favour, and that there would be more gratitude from you. It can be wrong to expect gratitude from friends, but in the light of how I've felt about the history of received gratitude, I know this history is partly why I'm angry. I gave up an Instructor class, a workout, a Wood's meeting, a work shift and if I wasn't doing anything else that day, I gave up my whole day to drive you, when I was broke.

You paid for gas, but with the gas money, not your bank money, you bought a coffee. When I was stranded in Mississaga I didn't have enough gas to get back. I had $2 in change from the time I filled up and was extremely lucky to find the $5 Conor loaned me for my car insurance in my pants. Otherwise he would have had to drive out and fill my car up. I was lost; you gave incorrect instructions and that really ruined my day. I drove around a city I didn't know for an hour cursing everything. Part of me says, everyone makes mistakes and between friends misdirections are common so let it slide. Another part of me says, I could have been totally fucked over after having spent 8 hours in the car just to take you home so you could save a little money.

I didn't like the scene where Adrienne thought I was staying over to watch the play opening the next day. You'd only talked to me about it briefly before. Which meant you'd talked to her about it before you left and it reminded me of all the things you didn't tell me during the trip to Florida. Like there being a dog, that I would be doing hard labour (palm trees, eave troughs), and spending 3 of the 5 days in the car. I feel you are self-centered when you remind me fo the ice wine I said I'd get you.

Lastly, I wrote a poem in anger and posted it on PileOfCrap. It was some place for me to vent without saying your name outloud, nor in the poem. I don't feel like I'm your brother any more, the way we were in high school. I don't know what can fix that. I don't know why I should try. This is the painful truth. I haven't done so much for anyone else and received so little. Other friends would say they'll take me out for dinner for driving them, or buy me dinner. Other friends will, for no reason at all, borrow Tori Amos and Sarah McLachlan sheet music from the library becuase they have a piano and I don't, just so I can come over and play. I'm invited over to a friend's house for dinner because they want company. In that case I give my time for them, but they feed me. With your actions, I felt my journey down was rewarded with the words, "So when are you coming to visit me?". I know you want to see me, and that was the reason you said it, but a large part of me said, "Hmmm, I'm the one who has to put in the effort again to see you and although you've said you're grateful for the trip, actions speak louder than words." I have to constantly remind another friend that although she hears the words, "I love you", from her boyfriend, he has forgotten for the entire year to buy her juice when she visits -- which is a few times a week; I remind her love is an action over and over again. And his actions speak louder than his words. As a side note, there are many other facits to their relationship that back this statement up, it's not just the juice, that was only an example.

To end this, I need to tell you because I can't show you at the moment, that I want to fix this imbalance I perceive, but that will take two of us. I need to ask you to suck up your pride and simply be open to discussion of this with me. Attempts before at apology, which are rare, typicallt goes as, "I'm not really good at this...", where you trail off and don't finish, which is weak. Or the one word out, "Sorry", and now that it's said, it's all good and done, which it never is. Sorry for what? That has to be named. And yet again actions speak louder than words. I ask you to not stick to your defensive guns and take shots back at me, as anyone else would react, but to be there for me instead. That is very hard, for anyone after hearing this. But such an act will do me a great aid in changing my perspective on everything.

I hope we talk soon. If we can't fix this, we're going to be faced with a pretty shitty friendship because I won't be giving much anymore, I won't allow myself to. None of this was written to hurt you. I know how much I used to love you, and I know that it rivals the closest loves I've ever had. That in itself is amazing to have in a friendship. But I've forced myself to fall out of love before, when the one I loved fell out of love with me, and that has harded me. I know I can do it again, and always. Sometimes it has to be done, as it did then. Help me make sure this isn't another time it has to be done, please. I ask for your help, for me, for us, for you.

--
Morgan