I wanted to apologize. To a young woman I once knew. Only I can't. She won't receive my phone calls. This idea to apologize came across my mind some time ago and I bounced it off of one of her friends whom I'd run into at the time. He thought it might not be a bad idea, but being the cautious protective friend he should be, he inquired as to my motives and I told him the truth; that is, the truth as I perceived it at the time. Which I no longer believe to be the truth.

I thought that I wanted to apologize solely for her sake. We'd had a very messy ending, there were loose threads everywhere, but we'd both agreed never to speak to each other again. Done and done. Still done in fact. I wanted to give her the apology she deserved for my cruel, immature, deceitful behaviour. Yes, I can be one mother fucker. I thought I would be not be doing it for myself, in any capacity. At the time, I could not fathom what I could hope to gain myself. But it would be exactly what I was seeking to give her: peace of mind and answered questions.

I followed through on this attempt to apologize under a new perception just these last few days: it is the responsible thing to do. To take responsibility for your action, no matter the outcome, is to be responsible. If a negative outcome, to do whatever you can to make amends would be a responsible reaction. If I want to be a responsible person then -- and there's the hook. The two words If and I. She doesn't fit into it anywhere except in my first analysis of possible Motis Operandi (a term I learned from her). Deflating myself again, I must accept this is why I sought to do this seemingly-at-first-altruistic-but-then-secondly-responsible apology. I do. I understand why: we have to have something to gain or else we won't do it. If you want to comment about the philosophy, go ahead but that's not why I'm writing this article. Here, is why I am writing this article: If you have questions unanswered, and deserve more than any apology that can ever be given, why would you refuse to hear it and get some answers?

My thoughts on this question. You wouldn't want what is offered because you don't know what is being offered. And since I haven't spoken directly to her, nor communicated the reason for my calling, she hasn't a clue why I'm calling and understandably reacts in a defensive, protective response: instructing the receiver of my calls to instruct me never to contact her again. Which was basically our last agreement. That last agreement was made at one of the peaks of our messiness, well our last peak. In the moment of anger and hate. It was more than likely a very good decision, were it not for this desire to be able to set it to rest rather than roll in its grave. Perhaps it could be too painful for any gain to justify the reopening of wounds? People with repressed memories do fair better, more often than not, when the memories are properly dealt with, but by saying that please understand I'm not pretending to be a valid psychologist capable of bringing about such closure. I do have enough closure now though, for myself to be content with.

I can see that I wanted to confess my sins so to speak, to be cleansed. I've followed what short paths are available to me and without stepping on more toes and over boundaries, there is no more I can do. That in itself, knowing that I tried for both myself and herself, is a form of relief. Now I'm just... disappointed she won't be sharing in any of it. In fact, knowing her, she's going to be having a rough couple of weeks ahead of her dealing with memories that pop up out of nowhere and bother her at the back of her mind because I've phoned. I have no control over what goes on in her mind and I'm quite comfortable with that. I can see one view stating I should never have tried to contact her again no matter what the reason and stuck firmly to our last agreement. Strictly speaking, I have. Not strictly speaking, I may have just caused more damage. I could say it will never happen again because I'll never try to contact her again, but, well, I already made that agreement now didn't I so where's the beef?