I walk in oblivion, most days. The darkness through which I walk is My Own Little World, safe and…tepid. Calm. But it is oblivion in truth, for it is never ending. Not in sadness; no, much of my time within my mind has been happy. But it is oblivion, for in the shadows of my own mind I am oblivious.
I know there is a world outside; the storm to my Eye of calm, though most days I am content to ignore it. Outside are pain and uncertainty, and fear of mistake. Inside is comfort; there can be no mistakes within, for all mistakes get left at the door. Even so, I must venture out, sometimes. When I am called back from oblivion, and into reality; I must pretend to function, to notice, to understand. To be normal.
And there is the conflict; I cannot be normal. There is no normal. There are only the hopes and dreams and wishes of an entire race or culture or world. Not all these hopes and dreams are mine. Only fragments; often my only wish is to be left to my own devices. To not be called out into the uncertain.
I must apologize, for the years ago. For then I was so deep in oblivion that I did not see the real world around me. I ignored it; and when I did see, and begin to understand, I was convinced that I sought too hard the normal that could never be. That I was deluded by wishful thinking. And now I realize what that must have done.
So I am sorry. I am sorry that it took me this long to realize it. I am sorry it took this long for the wall of my oblivion to crack open. I am sorry that these words are inadequate to the task I have set them. I am sorry that I, in my ignorance, was careless.
The door to my own oblivion is open now; the garlanded-gate stands wide. I may not come out. But you may come inside.